Hastings pier, as well as being a fibreglass Noah’s Ark and home of the biggest chain store charm bracelet in the world, is like a wind farm, except
with CCTV cameras instead of giant electricity-generating fans. There are dozens of these ‘eye-spies’ dotted all around the perimeter. However, none of the cameras appear to have captured any of the recently reported vandalism. The latest thing to have been missed by the high-tech system was the daring theft of a 50kg safe which was subsequently discovered on the shingle beach below, having been hurled over the side by a burglar. To date, whether the contents of the safe are missing has not been revealed. According to Crime Scene Investigator, award-winning photographer and serial charity-hound Lord (sic) Brett McLean, this unfortunate evidence-gathering glitch was due to the CCTV system being switched off at the time “in error”. This did not hinder the super sleuth however, who allegedly, after a thorough examination of the scene, declared it to be an inside job by an ex-employee. Police are asking the public to look out for a short, tattooed sailor with unfeasibly large arms, carrying a can of spinach.


Potty-mouthed Hastings pier owner Abid Gulzar can’t seem to make up his mind whether he is a flamboyant gold-obsessed celebrity entrepreneur, or simply a case of mistaken identity. His tenuous grasp on reality reveals a stark contrast between the way he promotes himself and his dissatisfaction with the way he claims to be perceived. I would recommend that anyone who drives around in a gold car, paints everything gold, wears a fistful of fat gold rings and declares himself to be beyond handsome and a great supporter of charities, should stick to the original script rather than suddenly swerving off-message thus: “…and you are selling your media by using, such I call it (sic), insulting, flamboyant, the man with gold fingers, multi-millionaire. Where are multi millions? This is all nonsense.” (BBC Sussex interview with Joe Talbot January 2nd 2019). Lobbytroll wonders how many other ‘facts’ recently propagated by Mr. Gulzar are also ‘nonsense’? Take this blatant example, from the same interview, which contradicts the verdict of East Sussex Fire & Rescue Service, after they investigated the outbreak of fire last November in the pier’s pavilion kitchen, concluding it had been caused by faulty wiring: 

“…and then with this arson,  which is very, very serious, people don’t know…” No, they don’t, and perhaps this is the problem.

You can read a transcript of Joe Talbot’s revealing interview with the confused Mr. Gulzar here:

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