Open Letter
Dear Hastings Borough Council.
Do you think there might be the flimsiest chance you could do something about the 16 bars of tinny, inept, patronizing, ghastly, amateurish “music”, the repetition of which you appear to think will soothe the increasingly savage breasts of those citizens unfortunate enough to have telephoned the town hall? 25 torturous minutes alone with the alleged “tune” is enough to extract a confession from a concrete block. And while you’re at it, how about losing the depressed lady (is she kept in the cellar and fed with pins?) who declares every 20 seconds that “your calls are important to us and will be answered as soon as an agent becomes available”? Or is the whole setup a red herring, designed to drive the unfortunate caller to hang up because more than 11 seconds of this monotonous condescending garbage is making them want to saw off their own heads with a bread knife? I’d ask our readers to call and complain, but I wouldn’t want to put them through that.

Going for gold
Hastings’ award-winning pier reaches for the sky, as Suzie Zamit’s photograph (see above) illustrates. The new public face of what is now known as the Lions Hastings Pier, is a life-size model of a rare Striped Bengal Lion eating from a dog bowl. If striped lions aren’t your bag, you can safely allow your children to pet the moose, the hippo, a reclining Holstein Friesian cow or My Little Pony. Walt Disney will no doubt be spinning like a top in his cryogenic deep-freeze.

Brexit through the gift shop
Arron ‘Banksey’ Banks and the Brexit Gang have come up with the perfect solution for those of their supporters who think that the UK is becoming ‘swamped’ by immigration. Simply make the UK so ugly and unattractive that nobody in their right mind would want to move here.

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