by Bird Guano

The column that doesn’t shrink when you put it in the tumble dryer.

MYSELF: Why the long face?

READER: I’m not happy with all this Brexit mullarkey.

MYSELF: Well, you’ve got what you wanted. Sure, we’ll all have to get visas and new passports and spend even longer waiting to cross our newly-reclaimed borders, but so be it, you know. The “people” have spoken.

READER: I’ve no idea what you mean. I voted Brexit to bring back proper British kippers like we used to have. Kippers from Craster in Northumberland, not these sissy French ones with olive oil and garlic and God knows what else. And bendy bananas with slippery skins you can drop in the path of pursuing clowns. Not your whey-faced French clowns with normal sized feet trying to get out of glass cases – proper clowns with red eyes and scary teeth who drive cars that fall to bits and eat goldfish.

MYSELF: There’s the rub.

Altered states

Following the surprise win in the US election of Donald Trump, host of NBC ‘s nightly reality show Pussygrab, Ant and Dec, from their tree house on the set of  I’m an Unemployed Actor – Get Me an Agent, announced they would be jointly standing for Prime Minister at the next election. “If Donald can do it so can we”, said Ant (or was it Dec?), “I think we would make a great PM”.

“Totes”, added Dec or Ant,  “We would be tough on crime for starters”.

“Absolutely”, agreed the other one, “The courts are no longer a successful deterrent. We would get tough. Imagine having to eat kangaroo bollocks or worms if you were found guilty of sleeping rough or being mental”. At this point we were hastily ushered away by the producer of the show, who could be seen, red faced and angry, shouting at the two diminutive Geordies, eventually punching both of them in the face. Meanwhile, Trump has engaged David Ike to be his unofficial ambassador to Britain. “He’s a tremendous guy”, he said of the track-suited guru of the gullible, “tremendous. If only he were a US citizen. We could use guys like him in Washington, which has been heavily infiltrated by Mexican lizards working for the Illuminati”.

A spokesman for Mr. Ike told us: “David has provoked a lot of controversy in the past, particularly concerning the
upper echelons of society, including the Royal Family, whom we now know to be lizards working for the New World Order. I would like to point out that
he has softened his stance considerably since being approached by the president
elect, and he now no longer
wishes to deport all amphibians – only lizards and some types
of newt”.

WORDFACT: The word guacamole comes from the Aztec phrase
Holy Guacamole!, a cry often heard in pre-Columbian times whenever the testicles of slaves became accidentally trapped between two of the heavy stones used to construct pyramids.

Having your casket
and heating it

The Pope has issued an edict about cremation in the Brave New Roman Catholic World. It’s OK as long as you don’t scatter the ashes or keep them in a jar on the mantelpiece. Personally, I thought being allowed to eat meat on a Friday was a liberal step too far, but this… I mean ….. next thing there’ll be a ban on the kissing of the mummified fingers of dead saints.

Is there an idiot
in the audience?

Psychic Doris, the Hastings mystic, has announced a price rise. From next Friday you can chat to her about the hereafter live online for £7.50 per minute, or dead for £11.75 per minute +VAT. “We apologise for the increase”, her agent Ron Hoax told us, “it’s all down to the plummeting value of sterling following the Brexit vote, which, lets face it, none of us saw coming”.

Dictionary corner

Rabid (n) a bunny with a cold.

Lattice (n) The basis of a
green salud.

Football headlines

The Saudi Arabian Football Federation (SAFF) has announced that in future, referees will no longer be beheaded at the end of the game. “It’s an old Saudi tradition, which has fallen out of step with current mores”, said SAFF’s president Wacka Jawacka. “If we are to be taken seriously as respected actors on the world soccer stage, we must make efforts to modernise. Starting from the 2017/18 season, at the final whistle the referee will be subject to 500 lashes and have his head shaved.”

Sausage Life!