Compiled by
Patrick Carabine

An occasional series in which we randomly browse the recollections of an anonymous diarist.

NOVEMBER

MONDAY 14th

I have decided to write a novel, and start to consider some interesting themes. Excited, I telephone Celia Badwig, who thinks it is a great idea. She calls and gives me a lined notepad and something called a “fineliner pen”. It writes in a thin spidery way and am sure it will break as soon as the ideas start to flow. I thank her of course, but resolve to return to my biro as soon as she is gone. Today’s new word: Polymath

TUESDAY 15th

Wake up screaming, after being pursued by giant rabbits with huge claws and sharp pointed teeth. One of them is driving a Volvo with a sort of spike protruding from the grill. It is just a dream of course, and I remind myself I should be thinking about themes for my novel. Make cup of tea (Darjeeling), and try to put it to the back of my mind. New word: Avuncular

WEDNESDAY 16th

Feeling slightly depressed as not having much luck with ideas this morning. I am having lunch (asparagus and eel with cumquat sauce), when Twollet the greengrocer calls and expresses great interest in my venture. He persuades me, against my better judgement, to go with him to the new wine bar in town, The Laundered Banknote. It is full of thin women and men with suspicious beards. As a stimulus for my projected novel, I decide to try some absinthe. Today’s new word: Laudanum

THURSDAY 17th

Awake after terrible series of nightmares. In one I am the reviled inventor of a new type of trouser which causes the wearer to burst into flames. In another, I am the owner of a basketball team from a distant planet, called The Nebula 37 Wolverines, who eat children. After unsuccessfully attempting to recall events of the previous evening, I resolve to ignore any future advice from Twollet. Consider abandoning novel
for lack of ideas. New word: Amnesiation

FRIDAY 18th

Celia Badwig calls, and is barely able to conceal her disappointment at my continuing non-novelist status. She leaves in a huff, taking her spindly pen and still-blank notepad. Deciding that reading is more useful and less stressful than writing, I go to library and take out When Girls Collide by E.A. Parsnip, and How to Rewire a Submarine by Karl Glusche. Word of the day: Stereoisomers.