The Haters V The Flag Wavers
Angelica Campion’s Royal Wedding
Celebrity spotting and sneering at monstrous anti-social hats while guzzling gin and tonic at 11.30am is something I recommend. Look! There’s a bread pudding in glasses! No, that’s Elton John.
Yes, it’s Royal Wedding Day and halfway through the show my son comes bolting into the living room. “The police are at the door!” he screeches.
“That’s probably because your father has been using an air rifle at the end of the garden to shoot at a picture of the happy couple.” I say.
Sure enough the neighbours have complained about this. Unfortunately for them, the law says you are allowed to fire an air rifle in your own garden as long as you don’t aim it at the people next door. We ask the cops if they would like to come in and inspect the safety of our target area but if they do, will they arrest us for treason? Luckily they can’t be bothered.
I go back to the TV and the friends who have come round, some of whom are anti-monarchists. One of these miserable republicans is Colin Gibson, an editor of of this very newspaper. Claiming to loathe the Royal Family and toffs in general, he watches the whole ceremony followed by some shooting, a game of croquet, then wolfs down a cream tea – (see accompanying photographic evidence).
I’ve watched a few Royal Weddings in my time (like, all of them) and this was clearly the best. Until now, a glaring problem has been that it’s always just a load of white people. This time, what with most of the choir, a preacher, some guests and even the bride and her mother being black or mixed heritage, this ‘do’ actually looked normal.
The Haters (see above) are concerned about the 30 million spent on security, the expensive hats and the extermination of local homeless people, but unless there’s an alien abduction of the over-privileged, the Royal Family are not going to disappear overnight. Surely, if you really want them gone, isn’t this wedding a step in that direction? The royal bloodline, watered-up by party planners and the like, is a major modernisation of the house of Windsor. And what does modernisation often bring? Unemployment.
The Flag Wavers and Henry VIII fans feel the Royal Family is a shining beacon of hope and hilarity and without them our country wouldn’t have that wow factor – we’d be like France. All mouth but no actual trousers.
According to my extensive five minutes of research, The Firm bring in approximately £550 million a year in tourism and the royal brand contributes nearly £1.8billion to the economy annually.
The Queen’s grandchildren have married a rugby player, the daughter of an air-hostess and now an actress! Aren’t they supposed to marry their own cousins? I’ve seen people who look like they’ve married their own relatives and it’s not as pretty a sight as Harry and Meg. Now that they are the Duke and Duchess of Sussex they have to come and visit our beleaguered Hastings pier. Maybe the Duchess could star in the White Rock Christmas panto?
The Queen will be spinning in her grave (and I don’t think she’s even dead yet).
• Prince Henry of Wales married Ms Meghan Markle on 19th May 2018 at Windsor Castle.
PICTURES: Angelica Campion
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